Monday, July 2, 2012

Part 3 - Aftermath...

Tomorrow will be the 2 week mark from when I had my D&C. Recovery was super easy. Strangely enough I didn't start cramping until Thursday night, and didn't start spotting until Saturday which is not what I expected. Guess I just had a delayed reaction?

Emotionally, it seems it's just blocked out. If I don't acknowledge it then it didn't happen, right? No one says anything to me about it. Sometimes I'll get a 'How are you doing?' but I just assume it's a general question and not related to my miscarriage.

I did get a card from my super awesome cousin, and it was amazing. Just what I needed. Somehow reading it though, it felt like it didn't pertain to me. Like the words were meant for someone else because I didn't miscarry. Not possible.

Kimber has been super attached lately, I'd like to think she just knows that I need her now. Two weekends ago she fell asleep on my chest while I was watching a movie (which never happens, she's not a cuddler at all) and I just felt an overwhelming sadness. I couldn't help but to look at her and cry.


How did I make her so perfectly and fail so miserably this time around?

For whatever reason I feel like I've let her down. Comical since she had no clue what it really meant when she pointed to my stomach and said 'baby.' What if I can never give her a sibling?

What if this happens again... and again... and again? How many times before we realize it's too much hurt? How many times will we go through saying goodbye to someone we've never met? It could be none or it could be as many times as we try to get pregnant. I just don't feel strong enough.

Will we try again? I know that's everyone's question. I don't blame people for wondering, I'd probably wonder too. However, my answer is not definite because most of the time it's 'I have no idea.' If we do, will it be right away or will we wait a while? No clue. Part of me wants to be pregnant yesterday, part of me never wants to try again.

Most of the time I just feel numb. I've started working like crazy and planning all the projects I want to tackle around the house while I'm off next week. I suppose that's good and bad. It doesn't give me time to dwell, but it also doesn't give me time to process. I'm sure Thursday will be hard. I have a follow-up appointment with my OB. I just don't want to talk about it. I don't want to re-live it. I don't want it to be real.

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