Monday, July 16, 2012

Texas Trip

Whew, that trip was exhausting and I don't know that I ever want to fly with a toddler again! First off, I was EXTREMELY nauseous during the flight. I normally get a little woosy for take off/landing but apparently my pregnant belly couldn't handle the flight. There were several times I thought I was going to have to jump over DH and MIL to run to the restroom. Luckily, I ended up keeping everything down but it was close a few times.

We landed around 7 pm Thursday night, went to future (at the time) sister-in-law's house for dinner and then went back to the hotel to crash. Friday, we took K to Kemah boardwalk for lunch. It was so flipping hot in TX so I thought she'd enjoy the splash park. Negative on that one! In hind-site I probably should have known since she doesn't like water splashing in her face. Oops!

So we braved the hotness and played on the playground.

That night was the bachelorette and bachelor parties. Pat went hog hunting and I'm pretty sure I could recite his stories by memory since I've now heard them over and over and over. (Love ya honey!) However, I'm also pretty sure I had a more amazing evening than anyone that went to either of those parties. I got to hang out with Molly. Yes, that's right. Be jealous!

I met Molly for the first time when Pat and I got married, she married Pat's cousin who lives in TX. Needless to say we never hung out, which as I learned is a total shame because she is flipping amazing! We took the three kiddos to the beach (first time for Miss K) for some play time. Kimber loved Colin & Chloe and I hope we don't have to wait another 3 years to have another playdate!

Molly and her babies :)
K did NOT like the sand. AT ALL!
But was happy sitting on my lap and towel.

After the beach we went for some Tex Mex. Totally off topic, but they serve warm salsa! Who knew? And actually I was pleasantly surprised! During warm salsa and chips, K decided to poke a hole in her cup and spilled lemonade all over everything. After I got over the shock of the coldness in my lap I couldn't stop laughing.

Saturday I went swimming with K and then that night we had the rehearsal dinner. Sunday was the wedding and then we flew home on Memorial Day.

Kimber & Chloe

The trio dancing.

This picture makes me smile, every time :)

Reading to Puppy in the airport before our flight.

Mini Session with Jodi x 2

Back in April (yes, I am a little behind!) we met up with Jodi again for another round of family pictures. Here are a few of my favorites. 

Photo by Jodi Schlosser
Photo by Jodi Schlosser

Photo by Jodi Schlosser
Photo by Jodi Schlosser

Jodi always blows me away with her pictures. As long as she's still doing family sessions we will be using her. I am pretty sure I've run out of words to describe her awesomeness. :)

Monday, July 2, 2012

Part 3 - Aftermath...

Tomorrow will be the 2 week mark from when I had my D&C. Recovery was super easy. Strangely enough I didn't start cramping until Thursday night, and didn't start spotting until Saturday which is not what I expected. Guess I just had a delayed reaction?

Emotionally, it seems it's just blocked out. If I don't acknowledge it then it didn't happen, right? No one says anything to me about it. Sometimes I'll get a 'How are you doing?' but I just assume it's a general question and not related to my miscarriage.

I did get a card from my super awesome cousin, and it was amazing. Just what I needed. Somehow reading it though, it felt like it didn't pertain to me. Like the words were meant for someone else because I didn't miscarry. Not possible.

Kimber has been super attached lately, I'd like to think she just knows that I need her now. Two weekends ago she fell asleep on my chest while I was watching a movie (which never happens, she's not a cuddler at all) and I just felt an overwhelming sadness. I couldn't help but to look at her and cry.


How did I make her so perfectly and fail so miserably this time around?

For whatever reason I feel like I've let her down. Comical since she had no clue what it really meant when she pointed to my stomach and said 'baby.' What if I can never give her a sibling?

What if this happens again... and again... and again? How many times before we realize it's too much hurt? How many times will we go through saying goodbye to someone we've never met? It could be none or it could be as many times as we try to get pregnant. I just don't feel strong enough.

Will we try again? I know that's everyone's question. I don't blame people for wondering, I'd probably wonder too. However, my answer is not definite because most of the time it's 'I have no idea.' If we do, will it be right away or will we wait a while? No clue. Part of me wants to be pregnant yesterday, part of me never wants to try again.

Most of the time I just feel numb. I've started working like crazy and planning all the projects I want to tackle around the house while I'm off next week. I suppose that's good and bad. It doesn't give me time to dwell, but it also doesn't give me time to process. I'm sure Thursday will be hard. I have a follow-up appointment with my OB. I just don't want to talk about it. I don't want to re-live it. I don't want it to be real.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Part 2 - Devastation

I had scheduled our 2nd appointment for 6/14 and at first was going to go by myself. I told Pat I'd really like it if he came to this one too because, 'what if something's wrong and I'm there by myself.'

Well, I'm glad he came.

My OB came in, asked the standard questions and told me that my blood work from my 1st appointment came back perfect. Then he tried the ultrasound on my stomach and wasn't successful. Apparently my baby was hiding... if only... I wanted an internal one because I had a need to hear his heartbeat this time.

I switched into the ever so flattering paper sheet and my OB came in to start. After a few minutes he turned the monitor around. His face was different. He asked me if I saw the baby. Yes, I said. He asked again, and I said yes and pointed. I knew something was wrong. He then asked if anything was different and pointed to where the heartbeat should be.

There was no heartbeat.
There was NO heartbeat.

No, this cannot be happening. Not to me, not to us, not to my family.

A day away from 10 weeks, my little one was still measuring at about 8.

Tears ensued. Sorrow, devastation, numbness, disbelief, horror.

My OB wanted another ultrasound to make sure since their equipment was better than what he has in his office. I had one scheduled for Friday at 9:40 am. I left the office and called my boss, sobbing that I would not be in the next day.

I went to my mom's and talked to her for a while and then came home with my little family of 3. K makes this harder and easier at the same time. She makes me laugh, but then cry at the thought of being able to have her and then loosing this baby. She would point to the tears and say 'uh oh mommy.' Heart melts. It is hard trying to hold it together for her and be strong when all I want to do is lay in bed and cry.

Friday morning we got ready to go in to see the ultrasound tech. I felt like I was walking into heartache.  I became numb, and then she turned the sound on. The sound of nothingness filled the room and I lost it. It is true, my baby is gone. The reality began to sink in, and it sucked. The tech then proceeded to say the most horrible cliche things that no one cares to hear during a time like this. I stopped listening when she started blabbering about '... the baby's still hanging on mommy, it just doesn't want to let go' Yes, thank you. As if I don't have a hard enough time processing the fact that my baby has been dead for two weeks.

That afternoon my OB called me to discuss what happens next. I had three options and decided to go with a D&C. After a few phone calls we set it up for 7 am Tuesday morning.

Days passed. It didn't seem real. How could it? This was not supposed to happen. We were successful with K, what changed?

We arrived at the hospital Tuesday morning at 5:45 to get checked in. The nurses came, asked what procedure I was having and of course wanted to talk about the details. I kept it together, even when one nurse had an overly shocked look on her face when I explained I had no idea that I miscarried until I went in for my 10 week appointment. I was strong... until 20 minutes before my procedure. I cracked, I couldn't hold it in any longer. And then, the worst part of the morning thus far... My OB came in and said there was another form I had to sign. The form to determine what was to be done with the 'Fetal Remains' of my baby. Seriously?!?!?!? Was this necessary? Crushing, to say it lightly.

As they wheeled me into the OR we talked about the precious child I did have, that is helping me hold it together. The oxygen was put on and the next thing I remember was waking up hysterical back in my 'room.' I heard the nurse say to go get Patrick, I continued my hysteria and then I heard her say, ok we really need to get Patrick. The nurse proceeded to let me know she was going to give me something to calm me down. Hysteria turned to merely sobbing, I got another dose (or two). Finally, I was calm.

I asked Pat the same questions probably like 20 times. I knew I had asked him, I just couldn't remember the answers. It didn't take very long for me to feel up to leaving. An old lady came to wheel me down to the car, and just like that, my baby was gone.

On the way to my mom's, Pat had to pull over so I could get sick. Lovely. The procedure itself was painless, physically of course. Even afterward, I didn't have any cramping and I barely spotted.

Emotionally, I don't even know where to begin.

Part 1 - Excitement

Pat and I have gone back and forth with setting a time frame to have another baby, and just waiting to see  how things go. I'm a huge planner so it's always hard for me to not have things perfectly timed out. While 'just waiting to see how things go' we fell into this amazing routine with K. I love our little family of 3. I love sleeping through the night, her being able to entertain herself, and Pat and I being able to give her ample attention. I just think our lives are perfection right now...

All of a sudden Pat said we should try... Insert shocked face... I now felt like by saying I wanted another baby that somehow I was saying that K wasn't enough for me. Yes, I fully realize how messed up my logic is! After several long conversations I realized that I was being selfish for wanting only K. She deserves siblings, permanent play mates, that companionship as an adult, and to have someone there when Pat and I are gone.

So we kinda tried in March, really tried in April and on May 4th I got this on my lunch break:
Positive!!!! Times TWO!!!!

I immediately drove out to Pat's work and told him the news. Funny since that is EXACTLY how this all happened with K too. He was shocked, we were both shocked. I didn't think it would happen this fast, and I was excited. We started thinking about how amazing K was going to be with the baby. She loves babies at the sitter and couldn't wait for her to meet her new brother/sister! Life was great!

My brother-in-law was getting married at the end of the month so we decided to keep our pregnancy quiet until after the wedding. We told my mom and a few people I work with, but that was it. 

Man this pregnancy was different than the first. I already had heartburn, constantly felt like I could vomit at any moment, and the boobs... o.m.g! I also had this horrible feeling that something wasn't going to go right. I told Pat, my mom, and two close friends that I just didn't feel like this pregnancy was going to go well. I can't really explain it, but I couldn't shake it.

I scheduled our first appointment with my OB on 5/24 and we took K with us. We saw little Baby B for the first time and it took our breath away. Nothing can describe the feeling. I started feeling better about my pregnancy. Obviously the baby was perfect, here was our proof:

My OB wanted to see me in 3 weeks for a follow-up ultrasound since the first was pretty early and we didn't hear the heartbeat. It didn't worry me though, I just figured it was too early for my little mister (I had already made up my mind the baby was a boy and called him Paxton) to be showing off too much :)

We headed to Texas for my brother-in-law's wedding, and after the wedding I started texting everyone to tell them the good news. As soon as we got home we snapped a couple pictures of K with the ultrasound for our Facebook announcement:

Life is amazing!

Monday, April 2, 2012

Kitchen and Living Room

So this is what we've been working on... and it's still not done! We have a few pieces of trim left, blinds and curtains to hang and some more decorating to do but if I waited to post pictures until everything was completely finished... well... it'd be a while!

Without further adieu...

Kitchen Before

Kitchen Before

Kitchen After Paint

Kitchen After Paint

Kitchen After Paint

New Cabinets and Countertop - Please ignore the dishwasher, we are having it wrapped in white vinyl.

Kitchen After.

Kitchen After.
Old Kitchen Floor

Old Living Room Floor

New Floor in Kitchen and Living Room

Living Room Before

Living Room Before

Living Room Before

Living Room After

Living Room After

Living Room After

Living Room After

Hallway After


Wall mural in the hallway.

K's wall art.

Close up.

Wall o'craftiness.

So there you have it.... what's been keeping me from blogging. There are many, many more changes to come to our house and we still have a bunch of little stuff to do to finish up our last big rennovation project but it's coming along! I'm so happy at the progress we've made, and we're shooting for a finished basement by the end of the year!!! Stay tuned!!!

Monday, February 13, 2012

virtual walk close to my heart

I just signed up for a virtual walk for my cousin's daughter who was born with HLHS.

Here's our team's story:

Our team is - as always - called Hearts for Chloe. We invite all of our family and friends to walk with us to show Chloe how much support she has. 

Chloe was born in 2009, with a congenital heart defect called HLHS: short for Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. This is where half of her heart does not work. 

She has already had two open heart surgeries and will have one more to help her heart distribute blood effectively to her body and lungs. She is very healthy and we are so blessed. God has worked miracles in our lives.

It's My Heart is in the trenches, working to make families comfortable during their frightening stay in the hospital and with informational seminars after.

We also walk for our friend Jordan Newton. She also has a congenital heart defect, but is a thriving 5 year old. We met her in playgroup and were blessed to have her mother Julie's support and wisdom during our journey.

Please consider joining me in the fight against Congenital Heart Defects by making a donation. If you cannot make a donation, we would love for you to walk with us. You may even walk virtually, which is free. 

We look forward to a HUGE walking team this year and raising money for this wonderful organization.

Here's our page. Please feel free to click around, and donations are always welcome!