Friday, October 14, 2011

Does time heal everything?

Well it's been a year, and reading my birth story still makes me cry. I'm sure most moms would say the same, however, most moms have tears of joy. I am not most moms...

Honestly, it still hurts.

Honestly, I'm still mad.

Honestly, I feel like I will never fully get over it.

Honestly, I feel I am scarred for life.

Remembering. Remembering makes me want to forget. Forget what though? It's not like I remember holding my precious daughter for the first time. I can't fondly look back on the memory of how I felt when I finally met my bundle of joy. I do not have any idea how she smelled, what I said, what my husband said, or what I thought. Nothing. I want to forget that I don't remember.

That is what hurts me the most. Not remembering. I was there, I am her mom, I should remember! How can you not? It's one of the biggest moments in a person's life! I feel like a horrible mother for not remembering. For thinking back a year ago and shuddering at the thought of my labor and subsequent infection. How can I have such negative thoughts about such a glorious day?

Then I think... If we have another baby, and I do remember their birth... that it will only remind me of what I missed out on before.

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