I like to know where my life is going. I know there are some (ok, many) things I cannot plan, however, I like to try. I think planning, for me, sets goals for myself. For instance, our home remodeling... I like to plan specific dates to do stuff, because if it were just up to Pat or me to get things started it'd never get done. We get so wrapped up with what's going on with our little family that it's hard to make time for other things that we need to work on.
Now that we are grown-ups (I consider us grown-ups because we now have a mortgage and a child lol) I've kind of started thinking about our future. How many kids do we want? How far apart in age are they going to be? What kind of house are we going to buy when we grow out of this one?
Mainly, we've been discussing lately when we want to bring another Baby B<3 into this world :) Ever since Kimber was born I've been saying I can't wait to be pregnant again, I can't wait for Kimber to have a sibling and for our family to grow even more. However, now that we are actually, seriously discussing when we want to have another kid, I'm terrified.
There are the 'every mom fears' that I have: Will baby #2 be healthy? How hard will it be going from one kid to two? Will baby #2 take attention away from baby #1? Etc... trust me, the list goes on...
Then there are my other fears. Will I have another infection? How can I take care of two kids if I'm that sick again? What if something goes wrong with my c-section? There are a never ending list of fears that I associate with giving birth. While, yes, I had fears the first time around, they are nothing like the fears I have now.
I remember one night in particular when I had the wound vac. Kimber woke up in the middle of the night, crying to be fed. I got up, unplugged my vac from the wall charger and tried to make my way in to get her... I couldn't get out of my bedroom! The cord from me was tangled with the cord that charges it and there I stood, in my bedroom doorway, sobbing while my child cried in the other room and I couldn't get to her.
I will never forget that night for as long as I live and I never want to feel that helpless again, which makes the thought of having another kid exciting and terrifying, all at the same time.